26-Mar-2026
I had a difficult conversation today. It was about future plans. I was pressed to have a better answer than "I don't know" which granted is a pretty terrible answer. I think it might be connected to vision why I struggle so much with this type of thinking. Goal setting and figuring out a direction for the future has always been incredibly hard. And I don't know how to navigate through it. What if I choose the wrong direction? What if I don't make the best choice? And then in the midst of the worry about the decision, I never make one. Then I guarantee ending up somewhere I don't want to be. I ensure I fail when I don't choose.
It also most likely reveals another internal fear. An insecurity that I have about life that I need to have it all figured out and if I drop the ball for one second, then the house of cards will collapse. There is this deep seated worry that I battle. I've already heard it multiple times this week, "you are too hard on yourself." But if I'm not, who will be? I know I can be lazy. Find ways to avoid work. But I want to work hard. I want to give myself to those things that matter, and I want to do them well.
But in both my personal and professional life this vision piece is so difficult. Such a simple question of where are we going? Where are we headed in life poses such a challenge. I wonder if part of the challenge is because of the way I think about my worth. I feel as though I would lose everything if I picked the wrong direction. If the course I chart is wrong, why would I matter? That is probably the works based righteousness that is still functioning in my heart. I want to prove my value by never making a mistake. But I can't predict the future and I do make mistakes. But if I cast a vision. If I lead my family or a ministry in a certain direction and its wrong, then I can't hide behind anything. I have to own up to the responsibility of this mistake.
This is a disordered heart. I am not finding my peace and value first in who God has made me to be and what Christ has accomplished for me. Instead, I still deeply want to find a way to build my own value so that I won't be rejected, forgetting that I have been fully accepted.